The V-neck

Most everyone who has seen the light of day in the last year is now familiar with the "reality" show Jersey Shore on MTV. I put reality in quotations because after watching the show for more than about 11 seconds it becomes clear that none of those people have come in contact with reality in quite some time. If you haven't seen it, its essentially The Real World: New Jersey. A handful of 20 something guys and girls all live in a house together and stir up as much drunken trouble as possible. What seperates these folks from any other group is that they belong to a subculture that refers to themselves as guidos. A guido is an Italian person who is obsessed with their looks, their own self interests, and with being Italian. There style is very distinct and easily recognizable. They love v-necks, faux hawks or greased up spikey hair, and designer jeans. Most of all they have the uncanny ability to leave people shaking their heads and mumbling under their breaths, "wow, what an idiot," because of their ridiculous self-centered actions and the absurd amounts of drama which consequently follows them.

Now you may be saying, but Ravi, I know people like this but they aren't Italian, and its true these peple exist. Let me draw a parrallel for you. Remember when every 14 year old kid who thought he was a thug wore a fubu jersey? Same thing here, non-Italians everywhere are adopting the guidos style. This group of guido wannabes are most often referred to as bros, tools, or just dbags. While this cultural phenomenon is believed to have started in New Jersey, it has permeated its way throughout the country, even to the greatest place on earth . . . Omaha, Nebraska. Now let me say that it is a very fine line between being well groomed and being a tool. Between being an avid gym goer or fitness enthusiast and a dbag. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a nice pair of madras shorts and a graphic tee, but you have to stear clear of those man-cleavage showing v-necks. It's a very slippery slope that unfortunately, I fear a dear friend of mine could be sliding down at a breakneck pace.

Let me say first that Alex Hall is a great guy and one of my best friends. He is extremely generous and very loyal. However, recently I saw him do something which I found profoundly disturbing. It made me fear that I was losing my great friend and former roommate to the world of bro-dom. A group of us went to go see a movie recently, Iron Man 2 I believe, and Al showed up wearing a v-neck. We were all shocked, stunned, and concerned. We tried not to make a spectacle of the situation but it was like a solar eclipse, we couldn't stop staring at it no matter how damaging it was to our own well-being. In retrospect, I really should have seen it coming, but I just didn't want to believe it. With things like Tapout shirts and uncanny devotion to the gym, let's just say Al isn't the most surprising candidate to turn into a bro.

You're probably wondering, whats the big deal? So he wore a v-neck, as long as he doesn't act like a tool it isn't a problem right? Let me ask you this, would it be a big deal if someone you cared about was playing Russian Roulette as long as they were only using a gun with one bullet in it? Yeah that's what I thought. We had to act before we lost our friend forever, so we held a dbag intervention. By that of course I mean we ridiculed Al until he vowed never to wear a v-neck again. It was a small victory but an important one. As Al's friends, we did what we had to do, because friends don't let friends wear v-necks.

The Crash

A couple weeks ago I was working on a Saturday evening. I was scheduled to get off at 6, and did not have any real concrete plans on what to do that night. My friend Beth said she might go out downtown with some of her Creighton friends who I have a good time hanging out with, and that she would let me know if she ended up doing anything. Shortly after I got home from work, I received a text message from someone I know who works at the Embassy Suites. It said something to the effect of "There's an Indian wedding at work tonight, made me think of you." Now for those of you who don't know or just don't remember, I was known at one point in my life for having a habit of doing a few outrageous things on a fairly regular basis. For some reason, I haven't really done anything crazy in quite a while. Well at this particular point two weeks ago, it felt kind of like a "screw it, what do I have to lose?" type moment in my life. So feeling like having doing something a little crazy, and having a little fun, but not wanting to do something that would land me in prison, I put on my 3 piece suit, and went off to crash a wedding.

I arrived at the Embassy around 9 pm, about the time they were finishing dinner and getting ready to serve dessert. I snuck into the back of the ballroom as the bride and groom finished up some remarks thanking the most important people in their life. (Side note, they thanked Lou Ferrigno personally at one point, so while I didn't see him, I'm pretty sure the Incredible Hulk was there). Of course I took the opportunity to snag some dessert, you can't crash a wedding on an empty stomach. I had decided to keep a low profile until the dancing began, at which point I was going to plan my actions according to the only reference I had for being an uninvited guest to a wedding . . . The moving Wedding Crashers. Basically I focused on a few main points. Don't be the creepy guy in the back. Act like you belong there. And draw only positive attention to yourself. More or less I felt like these things were pointing me to be the life of the party. As the speeches and desserts were being finished and the DJ transitioned us into the dancing, it was go time.

To get everyone into the mood for dancing there is an Indian kid, probably just a little younger than myself who has the Evolution of Dance routine memorized (if you don't know what that is youtube it). It's really quite a spectacle to see someone do it live. Naturally, this young man and I became fast friends and posed together for several pictures for the wedding photographer doing the Usain Bolt style point. That was later in the night though. After he wrapped up his dance, the DJ encouraged everyone to come to the dance floor, and I'm never one to be left out so I went on out there. For much of the night the guests were forming a circle around a few people who were doing the most dancing. After spending a couple songs in the front row of the circle I made my way to the middle. I wasn't exactly sure how to dance to American hip hop songs that had been mashed up with Indian rap choruses, but I did my best, and judging by everyone's reactions, I am apparently a natural.

Soon the dance floor shifted into a more normal situation with people pairing up and covering the hardwood, and this is when things got really interesting. The person I paired up with for most of the night turned out to be the bride's sister. This was not intentional of course, it just kind of worked out that way. Furthermore, the bride's sister and I ended up dancing directly next to the groom for extended periods of time. So to sum it up, I was dancing in close proximity to two people from each side of the wedding, neither of which had any idea who I was. The best part of the whole situation? No one even asked what I was doing there. The bride's sister loved me. The Evolution of Dance guy thought I was the man. The drummer walking around (its an Indian thing, don't ask) wanted to be my best friend. And the groom thought I was great fun to have around. Not once, did anyone ask me how I knew the couple or why I was there.

Now you would think that to successfully finish of a wedding crash, I would have to sneak out as discreetly as possible. False. I was literally the last person there. I actually helped the Embassy banquet crew clean up the room. People just smiled at me and said goodbye, without so much as an inquisitive look which would indicate they were thinking, "Who is that guy?" I didn't know a soul there, and it was one of the most fun times in my entire life. The only thing I regret is that I won't be able to see the faces of the bride and groom as they go through the pictures and realize that they had their wedding crashed. There was a problem though . . . it was such a good time, that I really want to do it again. Maybe that movie is more realistic than I thought.