An Open Letter to My Diabetes

Dear Diabetes,

Today was a tough day.  You beat me up pretty good, and no matter what I did, the punches kept coming.  It got so bad that at one point I just started crying all alone in my car, because I was just done. It wasn't just about today though.  This has been going on for 20 years.  And every time I have a day like today I feel the weight of fighting you for the last 20 years just weighing down on me.  That's why sometimes I get overwhelmed and just break down.

Most people don't realize the dynamics of our relationship.  Whether it's because they've only known Type 2 diabetics, or the Type 1 diabetics had milder cases than mine, they are led to believe that the biggest repercussion of having diabetes is that it is inconvenient for me to eat certain things.  They don't realize that I haven't felt healthy for an entire day over the last 20 years.  They don't realize that the chemical imbalances you cause within me are almost certainly the cause of my anxiety and depression.  They don't understand that I've got constant headaches or body aches or feel sick to my stomach because of the roller coaster that you put me on.

And I don't blame people for not understanding.  My doctor deals with people like me for a living and he doesn't totally understand it either.  To his credit he tries though.  He tries new medications and different approaches to administering the old medications.  But due to an insulin resistance built up long ago by another doctors mistake, most efforts are wasted on you.

I joke with a lot of people about you but the truth is, I hate you.  I mean I really, really hate you.  Not in the way that I hate olives or cooked vegetables.  I mean I hate you with every fiber of my being, with the very essence of who I am.  I hate you.

But I have a secret.  I've never believed that I could beat you.

I always thought that I could live longer than you wanted me to, but I never thought I could beat you.  It was like I've always thought I could get the game into overtime, but that I would ultimately lose.  When I was diagnosed as a 7 year old, I was told they thought they were 5 years away from a cure.  I am 27 now.  So you can understand my skepticism.  Not for a single minute, of a single day over the last 20 years did I believe I would ever be cured.  Until now.

Now, there is not one, but two different cures for diabetes that are on the verge of going through human testing before being rolled out to the public.  Finally, for the first time in my life, I think I can win.  I understand it might be another 5 years or maybe more before I actually experience a life without you, but I'm counting down the days.

You got me today, diabetes.  I will admit that much.  But your days are numbered.  I.  Will.  Beat.  You.

Sincerely,

Ravi Lulla
Diagnosed: August 12, 1994
Cured: Soon.  Very soon.