The Muffin Man

Here is another story from the archives. As always, everything in this story is true although I do attempt to tell it in the most interesting way possible. By the way this blog is dedicated to a couple of my most loyal readers, both hailing from the great state of Wisconsin. Teri and Cari, this ones for you.

Let's turn the clock back to 2001. I was a freshmen in high school and was really finding a sense of comfort and belonging in high school after the initial anxieties associated with starting at a new school. Before my second hour American History class I often stopped by the vending machines to pick up a snack to hold me over until lunch. Unfortunately, a lot of other students also decided to use this time to get snacks as well, causing a bit of a vending machine traffic jam, leading me to be late to class from time to time. I was never more than about thirty seconds late, but my teacher soon grew tired of this behavior. She was a couple months pregnant at the time and her resulting moodiness was apparent on most days. Threatening me with a detention, she made it clear that I was not to be late to class again. Not thrilled with the idea of staying after school, I decided to comply with my teachers demands and get to class on time.

After a couple weeks of being a model student, I was a little bit antsy to get into some mischief. I just don't think I'm wired to behave in school for extended periods of time. Its not in my DNA. On a day that seemed just like any other, I happened to notice a muffin sitting on my teachers desk. What most people saw as a snack for my teacher, I saw as an opportunity. I quickly raised my hand and my teacher called on me. Our exchange went something like this:

Me (raising hand): Can I have that muffin?

Teacher: Excuse me?

Me: May I please have that muffin on your desk.

Teacher: No, Ravi. You can't have my muffin.

Me: Please? How about just a bite? I'm hungry

Teacher: Well you should have brought your own snack.

Me: I can't, you banned me from the vending machines remember?

Teacher: I'm pregnant, you can't have my muffin.

Me: I'm diabetic, I need it more.

Teacher: Leave me and my muffin alone, do your work.

Now you would think that that would be the end of the story, but I was never one to give up quickly on the opportunity for free food. So as I shifted my focus mostly back to my worksheet, I could not shake the image of that muffin which was so close, yet still out of my reach. Furthermore, I felt as though my American History teacher needed a lesson on sharing, especially considering that she was bringing a new life into this world and would have to teach that child such lessons by example. Really, what I was about to do was for the well being of our future generations.

Clearly, unlike me, my teacher had forgotten largely about the muffin incident because several minutes later she left the room to pick up some more copies of a worksheet from the office across the hall. I saw my opening and I pounced on it. Quickly I walked toward her desk, grabbed the muffin and left a rather conspicuous trail of crumbs back to my desk. I then smudged a few strategically placed crumbs in the stubble on my face (yes I had beard stubble when I was 14) and hid the muffin in the compartment under my desk. Moments later my teacher returned to the room. As she placed the worksheets she had retrieved on her desk, she looked shocked and horrified to notice her muffin was missing. She slowly followed the crumb trail back to me as she shouted out my name. Our next exchange went like this:

Teacher: RAAAVI!!!!

Me: Yes ma'am?

Teacher: Ravi! Where's my muffin?!?!

Me: I'm sorry? What muffin?

Teacher: Did you seriously steal a muffin from a pregnant women?!?!?!

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about. Why do you assume I took it? Is this a race thing?

Teacher: Don't pull that crap with me! You have crumbs on your face!

Me: I had a low blood sugar I'm sorry.

Teacher: You are such a liar, go the the principal's office!

Me: I really don't think that's going to be necessary.

Teacher: Why not?

Me: Because I have something for you.

Teacher (looking at me confused) . . .

At this point the entire class was falling out of their chairs laughing (some literally). My teacher had not noticed this while yelling at me but became quite confused once she realized it. I slowly removed her muffin from its hiding place and put it exactly where it had sat before, unharmed on her desk, missing only a few crumbs. My teacher stood there, in total shock, completely dumbfounded as to what just occurred. I quickly mentioned to her that I thought she needed a lesson in sharing as I made my way back to my desk.

After finally collecting herself and regaining control of the class, my teacher proceeded with the lesson as if nothing had happened. What else could she do? I may not live on Drury Lane, but that day in American History class, my teacher discovered that I was in fact, The Muffin Man.