No Sugar Added

For those of you who don't know, I am a type 1 diabetic. This is relevant because a couple days ago, my great friend Beth Cavender (of falling down fame) sent me a picture on my phone of a diabetic cookbook with the caption "I should have gotten you this for Christmas!" Little did she know that I have a long held hatred for diabetic food. Whether it be sugar free cookies, no sugar added ice cream or even sugarless gum, I cannot stand it. I hear they have made great strides in making these types of products actually palatable but when I was diagnosed over 15 years ago they all tasted like stale rice cakes, so I now refuse to eat anything of the sort. The only sugar free thing I can stand is diet pop, which I happen to be addicted to.

Receiving this fateful picture message reminded me of when my hatred for sugar free foods officially hit epic proportions. It was my 17th birthday and I was hanging out with a girl I liked at the time and a couple other friends. We were attending an outdoor jazz concert (I know what you are thinking, and yes I did have to like that girl a lot to end up at an outdoor jazz concert in the middle of August), and it is customary to have a little mini picnic while you are listening to the music. Well, because it was my birthday our picnic included a pan of brownies that this girl had made for me with a candle in them. Now these weren't just any brownies, they were special brownies (not the good kind). They were sugar free brownies. The fact that I liked this girl once again comes into play because had it been someone else, I would have blown out the candle, made my wish and politely declined this sugarless dessert that was sure to be a train wreck at best. However, boys who like girls often do foolish things and I was no different. I thought to myself, that it'd been so long since I'd had any sugar free food that the industry may have come along way.

The industry in fact had not come a long way. It may have actually regressed. Those sugar free monstrosities were one of the single worst things I have ever tasted, and this is coming from the guy who as an adult ate a crayon for money (it was red). To give you an idea of how these things tasted, I'd like you to imagine something with me. Imagine that one day a saltine cracker was walking along and met a slightly promiscuous sponge. The saltine immediately fell deeply in love with the slutty sponge, and they were overcome with passion and consummated their new relationship. However, being a skank the sponge moved on, only to find herself nine months later giving birth to the illegitimate son of the saltine cracker. This bastard child that was born, was the batch of sugar free brownies that I was given for my birthday.

Now I have heard many times that it is the thought that counts. Really? Is that so? Do you think the guy who came up with that saying ever received sugar free brownies for their birthday? I highly doubt it. With this being the holiday season, I want you to remember this lesson. When you are out shopping for someone, and aren't sure what to get, do not rely on the "it's the thought that counts" principle to convince yourself that anything you get them will be fine. This is a lie, it will not be fine. If you really believe its the thought that counts, then try thinking a little longer and buy a present that does not suck. Merry Christmas.