Its Spelled With a K

What you are about to read has only been told to a very select few people who I believed would be able to still look at me as if I was sane after having heard this. It has become clear to me that I probably am crazy so I might as well tell everyone.

A few months ago I had a dream about an amazing girl. This dream was completely pure and innocent in nature. It took me through several dates with this girl where we went to dinner, interacted with each other, and just in general enjoyed each other's company. She was beautiful and funny and intelligent, and quite literally the girl of my dreams. Her name was Nikole, very specifically spelled with a "k". When I woke up I realized that I did not actually know this girl in real life which was, as you can imagine, very disappointing to me. The next day after telling my best friend about this dream, I decided to try something a little strange. I entered the name "Nikole" and searched all of facebook for this girl I'd only met in my subconcious. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in finding a girl who matched the name and face of the girl from my dream.

I had pretty much let the situation go when about a month later I was a groomsmen in a wedding, and while at the reception I saw a girl who looked eerily familiar, but I had no idea from where. She was beautiful, so I introduced myself and she said, "Hi, my name is Nicole," and that's when it hit me. She was the girl from my dream. This girl who I believed my imagination had just created out of thin air was standing right in front of me. I was completely blown away. I didn't know what to do. The rest of the reception continued with little of note occurring, but the next day I told my best friend that I met the girl from my dream. I had found out that it was not spelled with a "k" but her name was Nicole and they looked just like each other, so I figured it had to be her.

This is where everything got a little weird, as if it wasn't already. A little while after the wedding reception, I had another dream with Nikole in it, but this one was not joyful at all. Nikole was basically yelling at me the entire time, chewing me out for thinking that Nicole from the wedding was her. "Its spelled with a 'k' you idiot!" She screamed. She was rather unhappy that I had overlooked this rather important quality about her name just because I met a girl who looked like her and almost had the same name. I have no idea what this all means but I just thought it was interesting. You may now continue your lives normally.

The Number For

It has been brought to my attention that I have trouble spelling out the following digit "4" in my blogs. I apparently have a tendency to forget the all important "u" which, aside from context, is the only distinguishing factor between the number and the three lettered conjuction. I would like to point out that I just spelled out "3" with no trouble at all, so the issues with "4" appear to be an isolated incident and not a sign of a much large numerical spelling disorder. I would like to apologize to all of my meticulous readers who no doubt have been deeply disturbed by this discrepancy, and perhaps even though that I was trying to convey some sort of hidden message in my blogs but purposely misspelling the number "4." I assure you that I am seeking treatment to remedy this issue and hope that it will not deter you from reading future blogs. Also I hope it is my unbelievably cleverness such as that displayed in this blogs title, and not my grammatical prowess which keeps you coming back for more. Thank you for your support in this difficult time.

Yellow Car

Sometime last spring my friends and I started playing this game called "Yellow Car." This is a very simple game. Basically while you are on the road, anytime you see a yellow car, you announce it to whoever you are with. Whoever sees the most yellow cars wins. There is a twist however. If you see a yellow hummer and announce it, you win the game, end of story. Not a real brilliant game but it can be fun, especially on long road trips.

I had a dream the other night about this game. I don't remember the specific details but I was with my siblings, who began playing the game with me while we were in California for my brother's wedding. As we were driving along in my dream, I spotted for yellow hummers parked next to each other. I quickly yelled "Yellow hummer! Yellow hummer! Yellow hummer! Yellow hummer!" as to ensure I was credited with all for vehicles. Before I knew it I had been crowned by some outside force as the all-time worldwide winner of the game "Yellow Car." And that was the end of my dream.

These are the things that happen in my head.

Conspiracy Theory

So I was thinking the other day, there aren't enough good conspiracy theories going around. Now there are plenty of conspiracy theories, but most of them suck and don't make any sense. For example, there is a rumor that Heath Ledger isn't really dead, and that his death was faked to spike the hype surrounding the Dark Knight, and that he will make a miraculous return as the Joker in the next film. As much as I would love this to be true, it's stupid and doesn't make sense, thus it is not a good conspiracy theory.

I however have an amazing conspriacy theory. The New England Patriots were mandated by Roger Godell, commissioner of the NFL, to throw the Super Bowl, thus ruining their perfect season. Now you are going to have the knee-jerk reaction that I'm a bitter Pats fan, that is incorrect. I do love the Red Sox, but I'm not Bill Simmons and I have been able to think logically about football since the Patriots Super Bowl loss.

Anyway onto the finer points of my theory. First of all, if watching SportsCenter has taught me anything, its that Spygate was a really big deal. But does anyone feel like the Patriots were really punished as if it was a really big deal? Their coach who makes millions a year got fined several hundred thousand dollars, whoopty. Secondly, they lost their first round draft pick, which would have been the last pick of the round, however they had a pick in the first round anyway due to a trade they had completed. So the removing of the first round pick lost a lot of its sting. So other than some bad publicity and most of the free world outside of New England now hating them, the Patriots got off pretty easy.

With that in mind, let's review what we know about the NFL commisioner, Roger Godell. He does not take it easy on people. Pacman Jones? Banned for an entire season without a real conviction if I remember correctly. Tank Johnson? Banned for games for possessing guns. How many guys in the NFL have guns that are not registered to them? Sounds like a message being sent. Chris Henry? I don't even remember what he's done, I'm pretty sure it has to do with smoking a lot of dope, but either way, he's been suspended a lot by the Commish. Godell obviously doesn't play around.

So we have pretty solid evidence that the NFL's only real dynasty right now has been cheating, and we have a commisioner who likes to bring down the thunder on anyone who makes his league look bad, and you think this all went away for a few bucks and a meaningless draft pick? I doubt this very highly.

This is what happened, if Godell has to go back and strip a Super Bowl title from someone, the entire integrity of his league is compromised, so he wasn't about to do that, but Godell, along with anyone who knew anything about football realized that the Patriots were not a team that was going to be beat. So Godell ordered them to lose. How do I know that the Patriots didn't lose on their own? It wasn't the fact that the most dominant team in football history lost, its how they lost. For the first time ever, they looked unprepared. When has a Patriots team coached by Bill Belichick ever looked unprepared? If you are looking for some game film then stop, the answer is never. You think before the game that would send him flying to immortality that Bill Belichick of all people showed up unprepared? And you think I'm crazy.

Here's the bottom line, the Patriots were ordered to lose the game or be stripped of their other three Super Bowls. Godell, knowing his audience, realized that people would feel much better if ''karma'' kept the Patriots from going undefeated than if they finished 19-0 and were stripped of their other championships. That's just how America works.

Think about it for a while . . . It makes sense.

The Older Girls Love Me

I was bench pressing during my workout and had taken the weight off the rack and lowered it to my chest, just the same as I always do, however when I went to push the weight back up, my wrist just kind of gave out. It felt very weak and there was a sharp shooting pain in it. Thankfully I had a spotter so I didn't die, but still it was concerning nonetheless. I was doing a decent amount of weight, but nothing that should have caused any of my joints to fail me. Anyway, I attempted to finish my workout but was rather limited and ended up having to cut things short.

A couple days later, after the pain in my wrist had not subsided at all, I went in to see an orthopedic doctor who specialized in hand and wrist injuries. When I got there I had to fill out some forms, describing the nature of my injury, how it occurred, that kind of thing. A while after I had returned the forms to the receptionist, an elderly nurse, probably about 70 years old, walked me back to an exam room. Once we got to the room she started flipping through my chart and asking me why I was there. I explained to her that I hurt myself lifting weights. She didn't seem overly interested in what I had to say, and asked me to remove my hoodie so that she could take my blood pressure.

As she went to place the blood pressure cuff on my arm, the woman who was old enough to be my grandma and had seemed thoroughly indifferent to my presence suddenly exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I can tell you really do work out!" In that unmistakable startled old lady voice. Being extremely caught off guard, I just nervously laughed, and said "Yeah . . ." with my voice trailing off as I awkwardly came to the realization that I had just been hit on by a 70 year old woman.

I guess the bright side of this whole thing is that apparently there is at least one demographic of females who digs me, so at the very least, when I reach my golden years I'll be a p-i-m-p.